When I was in graduate school for Conflict Resolution I opted to take a class that focused on listening. It was one of those weekend classes that fulfilled one of my requirements for the degree. My program promises that it’s students will develop perspectives and gain skills to defuse and deescalate destructive conflicts that arise among individuals, groups and countries.

So how hard could a class centered around listening actually be? Well this class wasn’t as simple and straightforward as I had expected. It wasn’t hard but it sure wasn’t easy. The class ended up changing the way I took in information from other people and as a result the class changed my life profoundly. The concepts that I learned seem so simple now but in my mid-twenties they were new and fresh ideas. Something like “listen to learn not to respond” blew my mind.

The ways that our brains process bits of information depend on so many different variables. The difference between listening to someone we know and a total stranger, what our mood is when we are listening to the information being given, how the person talking to us identifies, all of these pieces affect our ability to listen and then to actually hear/process what’s being given to us.

I found myself trying harder to be as present as I could be during conversations with friends and strangers. I tried to quiet the voice inside of my head that just wanted to give answers or talk about myself in a response. I started to pay more attention to the whole person as they shared with me. I picked up on physical cues that let me know their comfort level, I didn’t try to fill moments of silence with my own voice and most importantly I started listening to learn instead of listening to respond.

Sometimes people just want to be heard and they don’t actually want or need your opinion. Sometimes people just want to feel the connection of being humans together, of sharing a story about an experience or a unique perspective with an individual or a group. Keeping our egos in check allows us to listen on a deeper level to the people around us. When people feel heard they tend to lower their walls, even if it’s just a bit, and when walls get lowered our worldviews can be expanded.